Dear Reader,
It’s one of those Sundays where I want to watch a really long and drawn out movie with a sketchbook on my lap and cups of tea in heavy rotation. So, of course I’ve sat here for an hour scrolling through random crap and asking chatgpt stupid questions that are so important I can’t remember a single one of them. I’m becoming increasingly aware of a few things lately, one is that time is short and the second, I’m wasting too much of it.
November was a strange month but thankfully mercury retrograde acted like an open window into my past showing me my broken pieces. I keep an eye out on the synchronicities during that time because they point to things that are in deep healing and sometimes I even see pieces of who I was that I put away. On the last day of retrograde, due to wrong turn in the car by my husband I ended up right in front of my old school. This was without a doubt one of the worst periods of my life. Those acidic red bricks and that flat building was a living nightmare for me. The intense bullying, the unregulated mental health and the seismic trauma I was experiencing was just too much for my young mind. Looking at that building this time it felt a lot smaller. It was strange but, I knew why I was face to face with it again.
I first learned to play small, to be invisible, right there in that building. It took the wind out of me back then and now that I am in active healing, active reclamation over my creativity and also using my creativity to heal myself I was able to, just for a moment, see how far I’d come. I revisited where the wound first cut and I was able to look it in the eye and love it, and love the young man I was. A few days later I have uploaded a new version of the first song I ever wrote and as I sang it there were waves of empathy that ran through my body. I like to believe that the love I have for who I am now is travelling back through time and healing who I once was. I feel like something has exhaled in my spirit and I am ready for whatever is next.
I am also getting my plans ready for next year although this time I am going a little more slowly. The older I get the less fascinated I am with relentless productivity and I am more curious about adventure and play. There is a definite building phase of my life that is slowing ending and making room for something richer. Depth instead of growth. It makes sense because I am happy. I am no longer “waiting for life to happen”. I’m just enjoying and actively looking for more ways to enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a typical virgo. I need system and routine and habit, it’s just not focussed on relentless output any more.
Next year so far I think I want to learn oil painting. I was supposed to do it this year but life completely got in the way. I also want to get better at piano and I even picked up my violin yesterday for the first time in ages so I think I want to expand on that too. I’m not sure which of these I will focus on next, I have a list ( of course ) so I’ll go through it and see what I feel curious about. Each year I like to learn a new discipline and this years unintentionally became youtube videos! Speaking of which, are you subscribed yet? I’m at 281 subs so I’m practically youtube royalty…
Like I said at the beginning of this blog, time is short. I want to make sure that I’m having as much fun, as much joy and to love as much as I can. I’ve landed on my feet and I am inside a life so perfectly curated that my biggest concern is what art I want to invest in next. Why not make the most of it? Why not use this time to scoop up the people I love and love them? My billion and one passions aside that’s my real focus. That’s where I will be building more as next year unfolds.
For now though, I think I’ve decided on Avatar “the way of water” and I appear to have eaten half a bag of maltsters. Do I “A”, eat the rest and hide the evidence? Or “B”, leave the half bag in the bottom of the fridge like a beacon to my tomorrow self to do those extra exercises at the gym? Who am I kidding? I’m already a handful in to the rest of the bag!
Have a great week,
Big Love
Ryan x