Dear Reader,
There’s a movie on, I have a hot cup of tea beside me, I’ve lost my husband to his computor games and the dog is non stop farting. This couldn’t be a more perfect Saturday night. I remember back when I would be squeezing myself into jeans that were too tight, throwing cider and black ( bleurgh ) down my throat and by now I would be heading into a taxi to do some serious damage to dance floor somewhere and now, I can barely imagine not being in these pajama bottoms. To be fair, I was pretty much like this back then too. When I hit my 40’s it felt like my physical age and my mental age finally caught up. My tastes and my habits have always been that of a 40 year old, even when I was 15!
With this mercury retrograde bringing so much of the past to the surface I’ve truly been fascinated by what’s shown up so far. When I was younger I did a lot of things that were supposed to be “fun”. The cultural and social template of youth was a little stricter back then and we hadn’t quite graduated from binge drinking culture either. I remember coming home from nights out stinking of smoke ( yes they used to smoke in nightclubs ) and sore from dancing and then spending the next few days in a daze of hangover. There was a joy in the connection with people and of course I loved cutting a rug but I forget how sensitive an empath I was. I would bring home so much more than a hangover and I would be shedding peoples energy for weeks after. I’m so grateful I know how to protect and centre myself more these days. I am also way better at handling big crowds ( not by just avoiding ) and it has taken years for me to teach myself all of this.
Empaths and sensitives are drawn to the ocean. To the trees. To nature. By simply being out in nature you shed what no longer truly belongs to your energy. I have learned to meditate, ground and rebalance myself but one of the main ways I do it these days is through joy. Real joy. Not performing a template of fun ticking random boxes so that my life looks instagram interesting. My joy is countless hours of me practicing a piano riff or trying to make my voice do what I want it to, it’s millions of brush strokes that create the art that fills my house. It’s hours of writing sentence after sentence to make the books I want to make and it’s sitting with clients who are all embracing unique and beautiful, different journeys. Joy often feels richer than it looks but once you step even in the slightest direction towards it you feel like yourself again.
I did so many things that I thought I was supposed to do. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t enjoying the things that people said I should be enjoying. If I could go back in time ( which is something I think about probably more than I should ) I would tell young Ryan that’s it’s totally OK to want to spend your Saturday nights in front of a canvas, or in front of the piano or writing your stories. I would tell him to step into being a 40 year old 18 year old and to thoroughly enjoy it!
I offer this out to you Dear Reader. Are you doing something that truly feels like joy to you? Or do you feel like a square peg in a round hole performing laughter and joy when all you want is a good book, a glass of wine and some cake? Wherever you are I would like you to consider this, what feels like home to your soul?
Have a great week
Big love
Ryan x