Dear Reader,
Turns out that when you create an instagram account for your freshly named blog all of the people you have blocked on your other accounts over the years can now see your new page and you end up seeing a snapshot of the history of your pains, slights and stains all over again. Ugh! There are so many people on there I had to block this morning and it was nothing more than a bad trip down a bad memory lane.
It was bracing to see those faces though. Once intimate friends, boyfriends and lovers they are all strangers to me now. It was also odd to think that some of those people only ever really knew a version of me that couldn’t be further from who I am today. In many ways they only knew the most broken, rage-full and the most hurt parts of my life. Look I was no angel. I know it’s my blog and I get to “victim if I want to” but I don’t. There are many things I did and said that I am not proud of. When I got better I did better. And I imagine it’s probably the same for them too, I hope. I don’t know who they or who they might have become any more either. I’ve changed so much I that it’s only fair I extend that grace to others in my past.
There is a bittersweet aspect of getting better. I think for a long time my mental health was held together with sellotape and melted crayons! It really is that the healthier I have gotten the more I realise just how much of a mess I was. Of course I know that some of my behaviour was just down to the chaos of youth, general growing pains but also some pretty biting childhood trauma. I also know now, intimately, that I was also unwell for a long time. Sometimes I want to reach back through time itself to hug the young man I was. I want to tell him that love is an inside job, joy is an inside job, that his gifts are not there to earn his inner peace or love or success but can actually be an expression of it. The main feeling I get when I look back to this time was just how vulnerable I was. Unprotected. For such a long time I never thought I’d ever feel even a sliver of the joy I do now.
Grieving who I was is a necessary step in becoming who I am now. It’s like popping your head up out of the water on a long swim. You can judge where you are in the journey by both where you have started and where you want to go. I have, to the best of my knowledge, forgiven all of the people who have hurt me on my journey and I openly request forgiveness for any part I played in someone else’s pain. Accountability. I think that’s where these moments lead me. They give me time to heal a little deeper, soothe a little deeper, and to surrender to whatever is needed for me to continue operating as a kind and compassionate human being.
I don’t blame myself for my mistakes any more. Like I said, I do hold myself accountable but every now and again I wince and cringe at a memory that surfaces or when an old face reminds me of how I used to be. I’ve learned to take those moments of cringe, even regret, as invitations to be gentle on that part of myself. To look more closely at why I did those things and love that part of myself, re-parent, heal, exorcize if need be! In this context the sadness I felt back then is a line in the sand between who I was and who I am now. My current joy is deeper than the emotion of happiness. My joy is big enough to contain sadness and anger and frustration, even grief. It’s all a part of an energy of authenticity that I like my life to align with.
So every new chapter builds on the last and if you’re smart about it you’ll take stock of what you’ve just learned before you throw yourself head first into the next lesson. What’s that quote? “An unexamined life is not worth living.” ( Socrates...thanks google ). I always seem to find myself in the turning of a page, right in the middle of whatever assortments of life lessons, creative and spiritual experiences that seem to be exploding into my experience. It feels like I’m constantly examining. This asks me to lay my life out in all of it’s pieces and to do what I can to move forward. Not even necessarily to heal or to be in any way a cohesive identity but to live my life as a collection of moving experiences that are all allowed to take up space. I move as many.
I could end this blog with some advice but, I just want to write what’s in my heart today. As always I can hope that in sharing my words you might find something useful? If not, that’s O.K too. Today I’m here to be, to allow myself to create and feel. Today I love myself for who I am today and who I was yesterday. I even love the people who were part of that journey ( they’re still remaining blocked though… haha! ).
Sending you all my love,
Ryan James x