Dear Reader,
Pause. Take a breath. Recover. Absorb the life you have created. That is the lesson I continually trip over. I keep falling into the idea that the times when the stars align and I achieve my optimum state of productivity that it should be a permanent one. This isn’t helped by the fact that I frequently get those kinds of wonderfully productive days. I’m just “on” mostly lately and things are just flowing. Songs are made, bookings are sorted, paintings are completed and sold and books are lined up, planned and ready to go. These days just seem to flow in a way that feels perfect. Then there are the other days, the ones where I can’t seem to pick up a paint brush or I passively watch something on the television and then I blink and 2 hours have passed! I swing back and forth from these two states and it can be as confusing as it is jarring. I wouldn’t mind so much except that on those days I tend to fall into shame, guilt and self blame.
I know. I know what I should say to myself. Those days where I do “nothing” are equally valid in their productivity. Each movie I zone in on or out to, each afternoon nap, each wander around my local park with my ageing disgruntled dog, each activity I plod through is in some way helping me to process, to feed my next idea or, just to relax me. I have to admit that I have internalised productivity to such an extent that I sometimes forget to just live. To just be. That’s been something that’s been more on my mind a lot lately.
Because of the path my life took I can’t help but sometimes feel behind. I know that I am exactly where I want to be but I also know that if I had gotten what I’d needed when I needed it I would have been here at least a decade earlier. I think that’s part of the issue. I keep finding myself trying to make up for lost time. Of course the lost time is all in my mind. It’s a self defeating loop. So all I can do is to place emphasis on being. On wandering. Being bored even. Eating my food without my face in my phone. Mindful. This is not just making time for hobbies and things that soothe me. This is about the freedom to live my life in a way that feels free, even free from productivity.
I don’t want to sound like I’m whining ( even though it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to ) because my life is good. REALLY good. And yes, there are things I want and dreams I have and I even have the freedom to pursue them I just think that, because it took me so long to get here I might be putting pressure on the pursuit a little too hard? I think that because my life is finally, wholly on track that I am making myself almost too alert to keeping it that way. I think if you’ve ever had burnout you’ll know what I’m trying to say. I’m doing all I can to not go back there again. I am having to learn to create what I want in the healthiest way. Joy is MANDATORY for everything I do.If it doesn’t feel like fun then why am I bothering? This goes deeper than just “enjoying the journey”. This is about me learning to almost become the journey, to be present in a series of moments, to do my best to not fall over my genuine desire to be useful, even of service into something as limited as our collective idea of productivity.
I’ve been on a mission this year to honour myself and my time a little more. To let myself get bored, to wander and think and contemplate and to do it WITHOUT guilt or shame. I am not about to go live in a yurt in a field, ( that would be fun for me for about a weekend ) but I am becoming more free. I am watching the older habits I made lose their grip and I am seeing myself rise to something more authentic. When they said you return to yourself in your 40’s they weren’t kidding. As each layer of learned nonsense falls off I feel incredible.
So this week I will share the lesson with you that I am currently learning. Become the journey. Ease into it. Boredom is not a sin and productivity is useful but not a guiding light.
Thanks for tuning in,
Big Love
Ryan x
www.writingbarefoot.com