Dear Reader,
Each Thursday I give healing to clients. I like to jokingly tell them that I am a “feral” version of reiki. The healing I offer is rarely gentle but it is peaceful. I move and shift energies, I connect to spirit guides and entities that work through me and together we set the vibrational tone of balance and invite the client towards it. Lately, every Friday I have been doing this on myself. Literally laying on my healing bed and downloading what I need. I clear, cleanse and do the work. The more I grow the more sensitive I become. The more sensitive I become the more I need to more delicately and diligently maintain my own energy. This has taken me deep into my own spirit which has lately been making me feel less and less grounded.
Maybe grounded is the wrong word? I think I am less attached to the identity I used to give energy to. I am much more comfortable being in a fluid space. I feel more like I am many selves all wandering through life connecting, interacting and growing as a collective. I actually believe that the soul itself is a hive. I believe we live many lives simultaneously spanning time and space in an unending wave of light. I am also considering that a smaller version of that happens within each piece of the soul itself. Each experience is layered and complex and, in a way, has it’s own universe to explore. We are many, inside the many.
During my last personal healing my guides told me that “My desires are my design.”. I am still in the process of metabolising this insight but so far it has helped me to shift old ideas and old shame around who I am and how I show up in the world. Being a deeply creative human who hears voices and has a focussed interest in the human spirit is way more accepted these days. The problem is that I have been this way since the 80’s. That was a time when people laughed at everything remotely out of the ordinary, even meditation! These days even doctors prescribe it! In short, being what I am has meant I have had to hold a line that for many years even though I didn’t quite know I was holding. I wish I could say that it was stubborn grit that kept me aligned with who I am but I think it was just a sheer understanding on some level that I couldn’t be anything else. I have always lingered in the area of my own truth but to pretend that it hasn’t cost me dearly at points would be a lie.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not some giant collection of trauma and scarring from my history. I am the happiest I have ever been. It’s just that since I started using Joy as a compass for all areas of my life I am much more able to see what thoughts and ideas don’t belong any more. There have been some energies, some lethargy showing up lately that felt old. That, plus a collection of dreams from a time in my life when I was thinking in such limited ways was enough intuitive information for me to understand that I needed to surrender and heal on a deeper level. This level is about desire, design and divinity. These are my trinity for now.
Instead of asking myself “What do I want to do next?”, I am sinking more into the questions like, “What am I designed to do?”, “What desire is born out of that design?”, “Where am I being called to play?”. I’m keeping the guidance for my life in a lighter more inviting place whilst also understanding that desire, like attraction, is involuntary. I want to be in a place where I can have a deeper connection to the space of surrendering to that. That’s the next step, that’s the next part of the design.
As I write on this beautifully rainy and dark dark I am listening to myself. I am listening to the healing that is flowing through me. I am doing my best to be aware of what unfolds and when. We are rounding up on the year soon and my favourite season is beginning. Pumpkins and halloween and all things broody start to move through the culture and I couldn’t love it more. This is also a time of deep reflection. It’s almost the last shove to create whatever you had in mind for the year and if you’re reading this then maybe I could pose you some of the questions I have been asking myself this last week? How were you made? What is your design? What desire is involuntary within you? Where does Joy live in your life?
Let me know what you think,
Have a great week,
Big Love,
Ryan x